“I need to tell someone, I need it to stop, who can I tell?”
.... it did stop eventually, but the words kept going around inside my head “I need to tell someone, I need to stop thinking about this, who can I tell?”
"It's fine, I can cope with is, I’ll bury it, men don’t talk about these things!” and so it went on for over 40 years.
Without realising, my mental health was suffering, big time, to the extent that suicidal thoughts and preparations became a daily occurrence, unsurprisingly depression took it’s hold over me.
I carried on with life, putting on a brave face externally, inside I was a wreck.
This was how historic sexual abuse was affecting me.
Finally, it got to a point of total breakdown, and I needed help, quickly......... after all this time, it was time to tell someone what was going on inside my head.
I did, it didn’t feel any better, in fact it felt worse that I had now burdened someone else with my problem.
But the road to recovery had begun, the first step is always the hardest, telling someone a secret you’ve kept for so long is tough.
Naively I expected a quick process to recovery, alas, this was not the case. I was falling in between primary and secondary mental health services, and this went on and on and on.
Ok, I was starting to slowly recover from depression, but the cause of it was still lingering.
It was suggested I self-refer to Horizon SVS, unfortunately I can’t remember who suggested this, but I’m so glad they did.
Horizon SVS online peer support group (coffee morning) helped enormously, we all know why we are there, so we don’t need to talk about our specific experiences, it’s just good to talk generally with people who know how you are feeling.
I was offered a place on an online Horizon SVS trauma course, I started to understand what trauma is and how it can affect you, I wasn’t running my life, trauma was.
Finding out what trauma is one thing, but the course also provided strategies with how to manage/cope.
It is has certainly helped me understand the way I felt, the way I feel and what to do about it.
A big part of the course was just talking, talking helps, but I’m a man, I don’t talk about things like this.
Gradually I got used to talking, I found myself opening up and feeling better for it.
My recovery is ongoing, we aren’t there yet, but we are in a much better place thanks to Horizon SVS.
I now realise that talking helps, massively.
Be courageous and take the first step, tell someone how you are really feeling and talk about it.